One Englishman down, 2 to go

So it is two training sessions until the Olde Grey face their first test of the 2008/09 season.
With Augusta coming to town, or just out of town depending on the pitch situation, it will be a real test to see if the back-to-basics style will pay off.
Also, it seems today that one of our own, Tommy English, has decided to play for Augusta rather than come out to practice and fight for a spot on a real rugby team.
We have a number of new guys so here is a primer.

Tommy is from a really scummy part of the world -- England -- and a really scummy part of that country -- any part. He seems to have been in Columbia for around 38 years and claiming he was on his way home for 37 of those.
He is 17-years-old.
An active member of the British Nationalist Party (KKK), Tommy makes Mussolini look Buddhist, although certain former long-hairs with stupid dogs still call him a "lefty."
Skinhead Tommy, as his slutty Grandmother calls him, has long been a feature of methadone clinics and 'roid distributors of central South Carolina.

Not just famous for having a brother who bags women from the Greek isle of Lesbos, Tommy was voted Columbia's least popular illegal in 2007 by the New York, and Free, Times.

Monday

Blogger and i are having issues this morning, so I cannot stay on long enough to write.
Instead, here is a great rugby-related post from a lesser blog.

From stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

#95 Rugby

f you’ve been in a white person’s apartment or home you might have noticed a ball that looks like a cross between an egg and a football. It is a Rugby ball and it is an important sport for white people.

They love Rugby for a number of reasons, the first of which is the fact that it is not very popular in North America. In fact, it is even less popular than soccer which gives a white person that all important edge in the contest to see who likes the most obscure sport. Though this is important, it is not the real reason why white people love the sport so much.

Rugby’s greatest appeal lies in its uniforms.

Unlike other sports where jerseys are made out of nylon or mesh, Rugby jerseys are like thick sweatshirts with collars! In fact there is no other jersey on earth that can move so seamlessly from the playing field to the farmers market

Many white people first acquire a love of rugby during their high school and college years by playing either for a school team or in the case of highly advanced white people-part of an intramural league. In fact, many white people will continue to play the sport into their early 30s at local parks on Saturday morning. If you are looking to expand your group of white friends, you would be wise to get yourself invited to one of these games. However, you should be prepared to have your crotch grabbed.

Though playing the sport is the most common way for white people to become interested in Rugby, a great number of them pick up a taste for the game while studying abroad in Australia or New Zealand. Like soccer, they are given the chance to purchase a scarf of their adopted team, but more importantly they can acquire a Rugby jersey. Unlike a soccer scarf, they can wear this garment all year long which provides for a more reliable trinket that can be used to initiate conversations about their time down under. For extra credit, some white people will declare that they are into Australian Rules Football and not Rugby. If you wish to friend this person, it’s best to ask them about the differences in rules because they will be thrilled to tell you.

Aside from playing the game with white people, there is one other surefire way to use rugby for your own personal gain. If you have determined that the white person you are talking to prefers rugby over soccer, it is strongly advised that you say: “you know, American Football players might be bigger, but rugby players are so much tougher.” Their response will be to tell you about how Football players are weak because they wear pads. This will be followed by a knowing nod or wink in your direction and an invitation to join them for a game on the weekend.

Good Luck Bombshluts

The delightful Columbia Bombshells play their in-state rivals this weekend, and its going to be a really tough test for the adorable, little lady ruggers.

With the rough, but still cute, sounding Charleston Hurricanes prancing their way up to Chapin, it really should be a quality day of ladies rugby.

Columbia has had a tough time fielding a team to play ladies rugby this season but their campaign seems to have gotten at least 15 cutesys out of their vacuuming, cleaning and cooking jobs duties -- but don't worry Gentlemen, it's just for the afternoon!!!

"I think it is going to be a lovely performance of ladies rugby," said Bombshells lady President Simone "Stumpy's Wife" Bontley. "I just hope I can get home in time to make dinner for my husband and that I don't start to "glow" an embarrassing amount. I think we have done well, as ladies, not to intrude on real Rugby -- that is men's -- by having our game on the Olde Grey's off-weekend. The least we can do is put on a performance for the Boys!"

With a winning percentage above .650 in the last two years, the lady rugby playing Hurricanes could be as difficult a task as Thanksgiving dinner!

But either way, the lighter side of the game of rugby will be displayed in its cutest way Saturday, so don't miss it.

Go get 'em ladies, and watch you don't break a nail!

Saturday Sept 27th Crooked Creek Park located at 1098 Old Lexington Hwy in Chapin, SC. Kick off (of a lighter, smaller, cuter ladies rugby ball will be) at 12:00 noon.

An Open Letter...

... to those who responded to yesterday's post.

Dear All,

I essentially agree with most of the criticizims I received yesterday, however, I am just burned out on these sort of initiatives.
USA Rugby comes out with these systems every few months and none of them have any real backing and any penetration they have is lost as they fall through.

Soccer has had great penetration in the US in the youth market, that is true. But, the lack of follow-through sees it die as soon as kids hit middle school.
My general point is we need an attitude shift within schools first and foremost. This would be far more beneficial than these sort of programs and may have a lasting effect.

Last year South Carolina had a great high school season -- with the mighty Spring Valley Vikings coming out on top -- but barely any of these schools recognized their teams.

This was an absolute disgrace! Every school should be ashamed of themselves!

I am not opposed to any youth action, and getting kids young is vitally important, but schools need to be much more of a target.
Yes, standing on the sidelines with a bunch of hot rugby moms would be great, but when all participation and passion for the sport stops at 11 what is the point?

School sports are, mostly, run by idiots who only care about football, baseball and basketball -- maybe cheerleading when they are spanking it. They are coaches not teachers. Getting these guys on board is essential for any development, that is why any effort should spend a lot of its time interacting with schools, showing them the benefits.

If that is not done, successfully, almost all other development is moot.

Go Rugby

Every few years it seems USA Rugby starts another attempt to grow the sport of rugby. Their next failure seems to be underway. Don't get me wrong i love the sport and hope it flourishes, but I am just sick of PR drives that amount to nothing! Anyway, the pres release is below, I have added comment where I feel it is needed. From USA Rugby BOULDER, Colo. – USA Rugby has officially launched its “Rugby for All” continuum, marking the first of several initiatives in the development pathway of USA Rugby players, coaches and referees. This is the third such scheme this decade to grow rugby, it is planned to miserably fail by Spring and a new initiative -- with no real world backing -- will be in production by June. USA Rugby’s "One for Rugby and"“Rugby for All” continuum has been developed to emphasize the breadth of opportunities in the game and promote rugby’s new image as a vibrant sport that centers around the core values of family, health, fitness and fun. and booze! “There is much more to rugby than the full contact 15-a-side game. The global game of rugby offers many versions flexible enough to suit all athletic abilities, ages and genders,” USA Rugby CEO and President of Rugby explained (I didn't mess with this, this is the title of some nameless person). “Contact or non-contact, seven-a-side to 15's, whether you are playing, refereeing, coaching or administrating, rugby truly is a game for everyone.” One of the most exciting developments in the "One for Rugby and"“Rugby for All” continuum is the introduction of a new non-contact youth initiative called Rookie Rugby , which will include players from under the age of six through 12 -- this is just a horrible sentence. Rookie Rugby is set to be launched in late October and will be supported by its own officiating and coaching course. “During the next 12 months, we have a strategy for growth that will expand the game significantly across the pre-high school sector, however after this it will once again shrivel and die,” Melville added. “USA Rugby must introduce the sport to increasingly younger players so they can develop the basic skills of the game and enjoy the many benefits rugby has to offer.” "This is B.S. and PR, we seem not to understand that real support for rugby is needed over the long haul, not just some new quick-fix, PR, flash-in-the-pan," Melville said, before sacrificing a virgin and drinking her blood from a goblet fashioned from a baby's skull. Supporting the "One for Rugby and"“Rugby for All” continuum, USA Rugby has developed officiating and coaching courses that support each level of the game and will also be promoting the online IRB Rugby Ready Course available on the USA Rugby website. "We have gone to the grass roots to frighten a whole new group of parents about this sport," Melville did not say. "Soon we hope to have a whole new arena for pushy parents to force their kids into and for those parents to spoil." For more information about the "One for Rugby and"“Rugby for All” continuum please visit www.usarugby.org or contact USA Rugby’s Youth Development department, Coaching Development department, or Referee Development department directly by clicking on the links. USA RUGBY, founded in 1975, is the national governing body for rugby and is a member of the United States Olympic Committee (USOC) and the International Rugby Board (IRB). The organization is responsible for the development of boys, girls, high school, collegiate and club athletic programs, and ultimately, all of the national teams representing the United States in international competition.

Not rugby, but a quality ad!

Good game, good game

So I pre-wrote a blog for today to talk about the Black vs Grey game we had scheduled for Saturday. Since the game went ahead without a hitch, I am going to post my comments.

It was so good to play Saturday, I really enjoy a warm-up game against my teammates. It gets the best out of guys to challenge, not just a faceless opponent, but the guy that wants their job.
Though the score ended up a little lopsided, 77 - 41, it was a game where we all showed our defensive prowess and organization. I am sure Augusta and them that follow will fear our solid back line, safe hands and technique.

Moments of note:

-- I think we were all stunned by Jim Roberts reemergence as an active rugby player, and I hope Ty pays up on that bet after losing that foot race. I must admit I never thought anyone would celebrate a try by tap dancing on the crossbar!

-- On a serious note, it was nice to see Kahuna and Scott Hunter put their differences behind them and play together. It made the day a lot less tense when Kahuna admitted the embezzlement had just been a prank and gave all the money back. Though he didn't smile that much, I think Scott thught it was a little funny when it sunk in.

-- A move for the future that will really benefit the team, I think, was Kremlick's move to prop. He really seemed to enjoy himself and his stony hands (which I believe he stole from the Fantastic Four's "Thing") were used for good when pushing the scrum.
"Why didn't i do this before, this is the best position on the field," Kremlick said while holding a small, white rat. "I am so glad I listened to all of Stumpy's advice, it has really helped me come out of my rugby shell!"

-- The one major positive that came out of the game was the quality turnout. It was as if we had advertised free beer at a local pub. People came out in their droves -- much appreciated.

All Blacks

Mike the Scot leaps into the 21st Cent.

Thank fuck for digital cable. I have been without it for nine months, but through its magic I got to watch the final game of the tri-nations. it was a real treat getting to sit back and watch 30 guys who know the rules of the game really playing the game so well.

What I think I loved most about the game, except that it simply qwenched my rugby drought, was the fact, not that the All-Blacks won, but in the way they won.

This Kiwi team is not what it has been. They are not the Lomu led monsters of the 1995 World Cup (I know they didn't win it but they killed people -- see Japan), they are not the Jordan/Pippen Bulls, the 1972 Brazilians (soccer) or anything else.
However, these guys are just winners with guts. they willed a win against Australia.

Just after the half they were down 7-17, but then within just a few minutes rattled off three tries. From there they played some gutsy, though not technically sound, defense and clung onto their lead for dear life.

Not disparaging the Kiwi's, but some of their individuals are not at the level they once were. The pack looked average at times, and -- although it is blasphemy to some -- Daniel Carter is not the player he was a few short years ago.

It is not the men who are superb, it is the team. They may be awful at winning World Cups but the key to international rugby is to take things one at a time (and win) -- not just to dribble on about the future. (Is there a message there for this year for the Olde Grey and its rapidly aging core?)

But anyway, all I really have to say is that it was great to see the real fighters win it -- even if these cunts have beaten my Scottish boys 24 times out of 26.

If you want to see some of the action here it is (with the best commentry in the world!)

Getting to know The Olde Grey

In the second installment of this feature, we will take a look at another member of the Justice League (Executive Committee). This will focus on our fearless leader -- Foxy.

Full Name: Matthew Queball Terwilliger Jeff Foxworthy, Jr.
Age: 46 3/8
Born: Intercourse, Pa
Occupation: Freelance unlicensed veterinary urologist/ Pharmaceutical Test subject

Matthew Foxworthy was born in Intercourse, though ironically his parents have never done the horizontal mambo-- or fucked.
He was the worlds first baby created through the use of a wooden fake vagina, a turkey baster and a catapult. The second baby born in this way (nine days later) was his identical twin brother -- actor Chris Tucker.

At an early age, Matthew showed that he was really going to excel at school when at only 17 years old he graduated Jnr. High. It only took six more years and some compromising photographs of Danny Ford for Matthew to be accepted at Clemson University (then known as Central Northern South Carolina Farm and Clown Community College).

After graduating Matthew learned of the Vietnam war and decided to become a conscientious objector and fled to Canada. Never having studied Geography or History, it was three years -- two spent in Tijuana -- that he learned the war had been over for 20-years and that Canadians did not speak Spanish nor would have had reason to employ someone as a donkey show janitor.

After returning to South Carolina, Matthew continued his (unpaid, unwanted) work with animals, though he has since moved away from (donkey) Show Business.

Unusual facts:
-- Foxy has four nipples
-- Foxy is one stamp on his loyalty card away from getting a free penicillin shot at the VD clinic
-- Foxy enjoys listening to his roommate banging overweight white girls
-- Foxy is allergic to sober women
-- Foxy's nickname is derived not from a truncation of Foxworthy but because he was Beyonce's understudy for the character Foxxy Cleopatra in the third Austin Powers movie.
-- Foxy discovered the element Bohrium

True Love

...sorry Foxy!

Reaction video

It's been several hours since I posted my negative thoughts about this weekends game against the USC babies. I have received several txts and emails about it so I thought I would throw up a response.
I feel the following video is an accurate portrayal of Friday's game.

A Scot Bursting with Pride

It's not my mutiny, I'm just an observer

So Since we have looked at the positives out of Friday’s game, I thought it was time to talk about some of the areas in which we need to improve.

Fitness
This one is me. I hate running, but I have been doing it because I feel I need to be a hell of a lot better this year. But the simple fact of it is that I, and others, was/were not any better than I/we were/was for last years 15’s matrix season.
We (in our own time) need to be doing more cardio, but at the same time we need to be doing more physical stuff, too. It was not the pace of the game that gassed me but rather the fact that no one has hit me (besides a few drunken skanks) and I have not hit anyone (see previous parentheses) in a long time. We have been having more physical training sessions, but there is nothing that compares to games.

Trombone
I found myself (and many others) doing things on the field that my high school coach would have made me lick his rim for doing. ( And yes, that sort of punishment is commonplace in the British public school system).
I think many of us were extremely rusty, that must account for a number of things. At times we were both timid and overly aggressive, we threw the ball away, we dropped it.


In his remarks on the message board Captain PunchedBaby was spot on. Outside of the first 10 minutes we never produced quality ball. USC was better drilled, passed the ball better, certainly caught the ball better and at no point did we ever put together more than one phase.
All week people talked about the game as a training exercise, but at no point did we attempt to try any set “training.”

Why did someone not stand up and say “Ok, we’re gonna get the ball, pound it twice and then swing it out. The next time we will set it up, pound it three times before we swing it out.”
That would have been training -- this was a clusterfuck of people who for some reason cared what the scoreline was (against, need I say it once more, -- a bunch of fucking kids) rather than working on our game.
Practice (for forwards) has been all about hitting the sides of ruck and using power, but we used very little of this Friday.

The only thing worse than my performance on the field on Friday was the fact that we wasted a golden opportunity to improve.
Like a night with a bar skank, it’s not about getting some, it’s about trying out your improve material to see the reaction it gets.
Yeah, like the skank, 70 minutes in the roofies kick in and we can do what we want (like run up the score or stick a rubber fist ...), but it’s more about what we do before that.

All in all, I think Friday was a waste and not because of poor play, but because there was no message from the sidelines about what we were trying to achieve. I don’t give a shit about beating USC, I do care about beating Charleston, Jax etc.
Olde Grey has had too many short term fixes, we need to be looking forward and getting better.

Rugby and mutiny

I'm just so sick of playing shitty rugby. How the hell do an experienced group of men lose to a bunch of fucking kids.

But anyway, I do not want to dwell on the bad, so today I am going to look at the positives that came out of Friday's game where the mighty Columbia Olde Grey took on The University of South Carolina's Rugby team.

Positives:
-- It was a nice night.
-- It got us out of the house.
-- My 19 month old daughter went pee-pee and poo-poo on the potty at the adjacent fitness center.
-- (Not directly related, but) Stumpy got some before the game, according to sources close to the situation. (By "the situation" I am not talking about Simone's baby hole!)

That is it, that is the list.

Words matter! Know your audience!

I am so pissed off about something utterly trivial. But I guess that is the point of the Blogosphere... so here I go.

ESPN can lick me from dirty crack to sweaty, syphilitic sack!

I am a regular watcher of PTI, Sportscenter and many other programs, but the laziness of their language, or just simple ignorance, gets to me more and more. I write this here because my anger is rugby related, or should I say related to the lack of respect towards our sport.

My exasperation focuses on one word: SCRUM.

Every time a loose ball falls to the ground, or a snap is fumbled or a train of synchronized swimmers fall into a mass of scissoring they use this word. Every time any unorganized rabble is doing anything they use this word.
This is bullshit of the highest order. But beyond that it is just poor journalism and, to be frank, borders on sports xenophobia.

A scrum is a highly organized, prepared, intricate set play in a game. It is the furthest thing from a fumbled snap.
For god's sake, if you want to know what a scrum is, ESPN, look at the snap on the football field, if that is not a (slightly-exploded) scrum, or at least ruck i don't know what is!

I understand that in a dictionary one of the definitions of scrum would be "A disorderly crowd" -- or words to that effects-- but these things are all about context.
ESPN does sports, so don't bastardize a perfectly useful sports-related word simply because it's easy and recognizable. Just try a little harder, get a fucking thesaurus if you need to.
And more importantly, don't abuse a word in this way that denigrates something else, especially not another sport.

The xenophobia comes in simply because rugby is not a big TV sport and so no one presenting on the big ESPN channels gives a flying fornication about my sport. Like soccer, rugby is laughed and and the names of players mispronounced because the anchors don't think it is relevant because it is foreign.

The fact is you can't call yourself the "Worldwide Leader" and not give a fuck about the second biggest sport in the world... or the first for that matter!

it's not tough, just find a different word and respect all sports.
We journalists are all about words, or we should be. Writing is the center of our craft.

Rant over.

i have apologies to my regular reader. I have been doing little real rugby related content. the fact is there is not much going on right now and I don't want to start talking about European club rugby because my core audience (both of them) will not care.
So, until the Olde Grey Season really kicks off I will be making fun of Chris "The Eternal Rookie" Henry, Matthew "if I buy you a drink will you touch it" Foxworthy and Todd!

Mystic recap

No regular post today because I'm in court covering a trial all day.
So, instead here's a quick look at golf predictions.

1. Spot on! Not only did jimmy have to leave early "to meet a buddy"
but he arrived late, too! He's gonna wear that thing out!
2. I don't know how the carrot was waxed, but I was at least partly
right
3,4,5. Kudos to Simon
6-10- I was a little off, except for Rookie Henry's tears!

Sent from my iPhone

WWJD - What Would Jonah Do

Golf and sodomy

Alas, this weekend I will not be able to make it the Olde Grey Invitation Pub Golf Challenge (sponsored by barf-off -- Barf-off: for all your vomit cleaning needs!)

Instead of traipsing around bars in the Vista, I will be in N.C. at my brother-in-laws' wedding. I haven't played pub golf in many, many years, but I have only been to one gay wedding before, so that won out!
I had thought about communicating by phone and joining on on the action but i thought it a might uncivilized during the reception!

Anyway, as I will not be at Golf this weekend I decided to make a few predictions that I foresee happening at some point on Saturday night:

-- Mystic Mike sees Jimmy "having to go meet a buddy," and leaving the course with Elaine (boring sex will ensue).
-- Mystic Mike predicts El Presidente finds some girl who is vaguely interested in him and he will leave the group, spend hours with her, buy her drinks... and still end up drunkenly waxing his own carrot.
-- Mystic Mike predicts Stumpy will get pissed off.
-- Mystic Mike predicts Simone will antagonize Stumpy.
-- Anyone could predict Simone and Stumpy will fight, ruining the evening for both of them and anyone engaged in conversation near them.
-- Mystic Mike predicts two Hinks will enter, one will barf.
-- Mystic Mike predicts a poor turnout.
-- Mystic Mike predicts he will get drunk, call a golfer and make crude jokes about the wedding!
-- Mystic Mike predicts Chris Henry will barf/run away crying first.
-- Mystic Mike predicts bombshell-on-bombshell love will be well accepted!

The Camo Rule

From the BBC's Web site Zero tolerance on mauls and rucks Referees have been told to adopt a zero tolerance policy towards reckless play following a series of high-profile incidents in recent years. The most serious was the death of Neath scrum-half Gareth Jones last season. The Cardiff player subsequently cited was cleared by the Welsh Rugby Union. Now the International Rugby Board (IRB) wants to rid the game of the clearing-out practice at rucks. The IRB has issued a memo to all member unions ordering the tough stance. It will be introduced at this weekend's start to the new season. Neath captain Lee Beach welcomed the new law. "The rule that you can't come in and shoulder challenge is good," he said. "I used to do it in the past. "Now either players will get sent off or penalised for it and hopefully the referees will take that on board." The IRB made the decision after taking advice from the medical and legal professions. "There is a growing concern...about the conduct of players when entering rucks and mauls...which is considered dangerous," David Carrigy of the IRB said in the memo. Officials are being instructed to adopt zero tolerance to any player charging into a ruck or maul who is not bound to a team-mate as the laws require. This is a change in interpretation that could prove as significant as the new experimental law variations. They will also clamp down on players who clear out opponents not involved in a ruck or maul. IRB referees' manager Paddy O'Brien said: "The law is there to protect players and we felt referees weren't applying the law as strictly or stringently as we should be. "Every game you watch at any level, there are players who are entering breakdowns with no respect for the body of the player they are going to clean out as some call it. "It is not cleaning out, it is foul play." Wales captain Ryan Jones was injured in the Six Nations match against Ireland last season following reckless play by Bernard Jackman. And in the Tri Nations, Australia's Stirling Mortlock was injured by a challenge from South Africa's Bakkies Botha. Pontypridd captain Nathan Strong said the rule was "good for the game," but added: "These are one-off incidents and rugby is a physical game. "I enjoyed flying into rucks trying to clean out the competition. "If the ball is on the floor, the competition is there for it." The Welsh Rugby Union cleared Cardiff centre Darren Ryan of reckless play after he was cited over the incident involving Gareth Jones in May.

The Olde Grey Moving Test

I just wanted to write a quick post to acknowledge the folks who helped me move this weekend. I know how much it sucks to move, and I know how much crap I have. So thank you to everyone who came out.
Thanks to Mike Matese -- who almost died during the process; Foxy -- who almost died watching the game that night and to Jim Feeney -- who almost died when Runyon fell asleep on his face!

I also wanted to make a special mention of those guys who committed to help but could not due to unusual circumstances.

Chris Henry unfortunately came down with nasty case of Lymp-Finn Syndrome. It is a nasty ailment that makes parts of the body flaccid and unusable around Sharks or Sharkey in appearance creatures.


David Young's is a horrible, but not unusual for him, case. While spending 6 or 7 hours scissoring with Philly on Thursday a great deal of sand was transferred. The sheer weight stretched Mr. Young's vaginal walls to breaking point -- but he did not know this -- unfortunately for Young.
After he watched his alma mater's crushing defeat and realized his team's only Division 1 winning moment was in 2007, he spent 3-4 hours on the floor, curled up in the fetal position.
When he went to stand up, the sand had settled and as a result the weight caused his entire reproductive system to be torn out of his body. (It's what West Virginian's call a "Beach Hysterectomy!")
The upside is that David is now a man. Having removed all of his female "attributes" he has gone from "he/she" to simple "he?" -- congrats David.

Jim "the Scrum Madge" died Saturday morning. He was 67 (stone).